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I have to admit, I've never had sex with my sister. Neither have I ever had sex with my mum, auntie or my next-door neighbour's pet dog. I don’t drive a pick-up truck. My name isn't Cletus. I don’t spend my days drinking Boilermakers with 'mah burdies' down at Smokin' Joe's, and shooting cans off tree-stumps with 'mah pa’s shotgurn’. I don’t go home each day to my mobile home and toothless wife (who's also my first cousin) and throw out my eight in-bred children (Mary-Ellen, Cletus Junior, Ern, Vern, Pee-Wee, Brad, Chad and Maybell) so that I can dryhump the gummy bint. I don't possess a mullet, let alone a curly blond one which hangs rigidly down my neck like a cluster of crusty pubes. None of the above describe me or my life. I am, however, a pro wrestling fan.

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Stereotypes And Men In Tights

A bunch of incestuous rednecks. Either that, or kids. That's us wrestling fans. Apparently. With stereotypes like that, it's hardly surprising most people won’t admit to liking the violent soap opera that is the WWE. Does that include you? Does it? Come on, it’s only you and me here, no one will know if it does. It does? Excellent. HEY EVERYONE, WE'VE GOT A PRO-WRESTLING FANOVER HERE, HA HA HA HA! Only joking.

So, WWE RAW then. Any good? Well surprisingly, yes, actually. Wanna make something of it? What initially appears to be little more than a random button pummelling no-brainer, soon reveals itself to be a pretty competent beat-’em-up. In fact, I'd go so far as to say that it’s the best beat-'em-up the PC has ever seen. And I should know. I’ve played some turds so big you’d get your whole forearm dirty trying to pick out all the peanuts.

Not that that is immediately apparent mind you. Oooooh nooooo. First you have to wade through a bog of console-styled menu screens which scream Shit Conversion’ louder than a baying rugby crowd at a clubfooted kicker. Assaulted by the mire of wacky beeps and whizzes which accompany each selection, you'll be cnnging in your Y-fronts at the apparent craaayyyyzeeeeness of it all. The match selections, single, tag, tornado tag, handicap, triple threat, fatal four-way, king of the ring and lesbo slap-up (all of the above just with females), however, are far from limited, as is the excellent wrestler editor which allows you to create your own monstrosity to fight for your cause in the squared circle.

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The editor actually proved a massive hit in the office, so much so that closet wrestling guru Anthony 'Hollywood Hulk’ Holden spent half a day gleefully perfecting a grappler more hideous-looking than something you’d find manning a check-out at a 24-hour service station, its head like an over-inflated basketball sporting a moustache lifted straight from a Greek paedophile's jawline. You can see my creation (strangely idolised in the office to the pointof cult status), in the Here’s One I Made Up Earlier panel. How we laughed.

However, facial hilarity aside, the editor is an excellent tool for creating a near-endless variety of wrestlers, meaning everyone can be catered for, whether you’re black, white, gay or straight. The sheer depth and attention to detail makes it a joy to try out your new creations, and you’ll soon find yourself dispensing with the dated list of 35 WWE superstars (well over a year out of date and missing many new stars) and opting for your configured creations instead.

Ultimate Fighting Engine

However, it's once the action kicks off that things really start to happen. Ring entrances are explosive, with each wrestler's strut to the ring recreated with spod-like attention to detail. Pyrotechnics pop, lights flash, music blares, people cheer and videos roll on the big arena screen, concocting a charged atmosphere of pure adrenaline-charged hype before the impending action. You can even rush your opponent as they enter the ring and pummel them with a variety of weapons, too. Which is nice.

The actual bouts are sheer en-tert-ain-ment. Victory requires you to not only beat seven shades of poo-poo out your opponent, but to win the crowd over and make sure you don’t spend all your energy in the process. The beauty of this three-pronged victory meter means you really have to put some thought into what you're doing. Repeat the same move over and over and the crowd will get bored of you. Fail to pace yourself, and you'll be beaten in minutes. The excellent fight engine, lifted from the award winning Dreamcast title Ultimate Fighting Championship, works like a wet dream you simply can’t wake from (OK, that might be taking it a bit far, but you get the idea). That’s if your machine is up to it, otherwise you’ll be watching in horror as the combatants jerk like epileptic whores across your screen.

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Each wrestler has all their trademark moves accurately replicated, while fighting styles and tactics depend on their size and speed. They’re each blessed with a finishing move, which, when pulled off (by no means easy), is supremely satisfying. Don't get too buried in the role though, as you’ll do yourself a mischief climbing on the Chesterfield in mock celebration of your achievements. Remember, we’re gamers, not athletes.

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Mastering RAW takes a long time. Every move can be countered, but timing and knowledge of key combinationsis essential if you want any chance of pulling this off. Leam the moves and you’ll soon be embroiled in 20-minute epics, as matches see-saw back and forth, with countless near-falls raising pulses to critical levels, and wrestlers staggering from exhaustion as they try to raise themselves for one last push towards victory.

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Negative Bit

Of course, there are plenty of ’buts’ as well. GeForce 4 cards can cause ridiculous motion blur which spoil the action somewhat, while the clipping leaves a great deal to be desired. Al has the occasional suspect moment and wrestler collision detection is tenuous during some of the more acrobatic moments. But we’re talking fun here, and if you have the machine to do it justice, and the patience to leam the fight engine's subtleties, then that’s exactly what you’ll be getting, and all for a measly $19.99 to boot. In fact, it’s thanks to the low price that WWE RAW has scored as well as it has.

It may not be the next big thing in PC gaming, and it may be firmly entrenched in its console roots (RAW has already shipped on the Xbox), but it’s supremely entertaining, especially when played with friends - the deceptively deep combat engine appearing to suit the PC even more than its console counterpart. Best of all, though, you won’t have to change your name to Cletus to enjoy it, which I know will come as a huge relief to you all.

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